US Immigration Judges: 'Torture? We Prefer 'Enhanced Vacation Planning''

In a bold move that has once again reminded the world where American priorities truly lie, the U.S. has gracefully expedited the relocation of Ecuadorean political dissident, José Serrano. Mr. Serrano, a vocal critic of President Daniel Noboa, was, of course, facing entirely unsubstantiated accusations of 'criminal activity' back home – a vague charge suspiciously popular among regimes looking to clear out the riff-raff. Immigration officials, demonstrating the kind of efficiency usually reserved for drone strikes and tax season, decided his 'fears of torture' were simply an elaborate ploy to delay his highly anticipated return flight. Sources close to the Kafkaesque labyrinth of the U.S. immigration courts suggest the decision was made after a particularly rousing PowerPoint presentation titled 'Streamlining Undesirables: Maximizing Geopolitical Leverage Through Unflinching Indifference.' The swiftness of the process underscores how firmly the previous administration's steely grip continues to dictate the judicial fate of international 'inconveniences.' It seems the U.S. is perfectly content to outsource its due diligence to countries with, shall we say, a more 'flexible' interpretation of human rights, provided it helps maintain a certain 'order' in the global pecking order. After all, why bother with messy things like asylum when you can simply hand over a problem and call it 'foreign policy'?