UN General Assembly Gathers to Reschedule 'Confronting Crises' for Next Year, Elect New High-Paid Scapegoat

Global leaders, fresh from a summer spent bravely ignoring climate change and meticulously orchestrating new geopolitical kerfuffles, are once again descending upon New York for the annual United Nations General Assembly. Sources close to the proceedings confirm the primary agenda item is, as always, the ritualistic 'confrontation' of familiar crises, followed by an equally familiar 'deep concern' over new conflicts, all to be meticulously documented for future generations to marvel at their progenitors' consistent lack of follow-through. The most pressing matter, however, isn't the looming threat of, well, everything, but rather the pressing need to find a new Secretary-General. Current helmsman, António Guterres, having gallantly served two terms as the world's most glorified meeting facilitator, is bravely stepping down. The search committee is reportedly looking for someone with a proven track record of expressing regret and penning strongly worded letters, but who also looks good in a photo op while delivering platitudes about 'multilateralism' and 'shared humanity' to an audience scrolling through their phones.