Ukraine's EU Membership: Now Just a Mere Two Decades and a Genocidal Tsar Away!

Brussels, BE — In a stunning display of bureaucratic agility, the European Union has dramatically accelerated Ukraine's path to membership, now projected to conclude sometime before the heat death of the universe. Sources within the Commission, reportedly fueled by artisanal espresso and the existential dread of their own spreadsheets, confirmed that with one particularly irksome national leader having vacated the premises, the path is now clear for 'vigorous preliminary discussions about future frameworks regarding potential alignment of regulatory standards affecting the import of specialty pickled gherkins.' Experts, who have dedicated their lives to deciphering EU accession timelines, believe this newfound efficiency could shave *months* off the previous 'eternity-plus-a-bit' approximation. One high-ranking official, who requested anonymity lest they be accused of optimism, whispered, 'The gears are turning. Perhaps not at the speed of light, but definitely faster than a snail navigating a particularly sticky tax rebate form.' Kyiv, meanwhile, expressed 'cautious elation' after receiving a 300-page preliminary questionnaire requiring them to itemize all regional varieties of borscht and their potential impact on single market competition. The 'long and winding road' has apparently been repaved... with even longer, windier subsections.