UK to Protect Children From Instagram's Existential Dread, Announces New Program to Induce Existential Dread Via Bureaucracy Instead

In a move lauded by parents who've grown weary of explaining 'why Aunt Carol just posted that' to a six-year-old, the British government is mulling a social media ban for children under 16. Experts say the policy is a direct response to Australia's groundbreaking decision to re-prioritize childhood 'being outside, getting scraped knees' over 'developing an algorithmically-driven anxiety disorder by age nine.' Critics, however, are concerned that children, deprived of their digital dopamine dispenser, might suddenly be forced to spend time with their actual parents, potentially leading to unprecedented levels of intergenerational awkwardness and the rediscovery of board games. Sources close to No. 10 Downing Street, speaking on condition of anonymity while scrolling TikTok, hinted that the ban is less about protecting developing minds and more about ensuring the next generation can still correctly identify a telephone booth without consulting Wikipedia. The proposal, which will undoubtedly be debated over poorly brewed tea and biscuits, aims to replace the perils of online influence with the time-honored British tradition of feeling vaguely disappointed by whatever adult is currently in charge. It's hoped this will foster a more 'robustly analog' form of generational ennui, considered far more patriotic than whatever 'influencer' culture is doing.