UK to Bar Under-16s from TikTok, Paving Way for Nation's First Productive Generation Since The Black Death

In a move lauded by literally dozens of relieved parents, Prime Minister Keir Starmer's government has announced a bold and entirely enforceable plan to ban children under 16 from social media. This groundbreaking policy, which has absolutely no chance of becoming a digital 'Whack-A-Mole' game of VPNs and burner accounts, aims to restore the halcyon days when youths spent their free time cultivating hobbies like competitive moss-counting and staring blankly into the middle distance. Starmer, reportedly inspired by similar, equally successful initiatives in Australia (where children now exclusively communicate via interpretive dance and telepathy), believes this will safeguard the mental health of the nation's precious ankle-biters. Psychologists across the kingdom are already bracing for an unprecedented surge in teenagers spontaneously knitting tea cozies and developing artisanal sourdough starters out of sheer, unadulterated boredom. Critics, primarily comprised of children who discovered what 'critics' were on TikTok, argue that the government's real agenda is to force them into productive labor, like learning to program or finally understanding cricket. Meanwhile, Meta and ByteDance executives are reportedly purchasing larger yachts, anticipating the inevitable influx of 'adults' who are simply very, very good at pretending to be 16.