U.S. to South Africa: 'We're Just Not That Into Your Temperature Control Efforts'

Washington D.C. has reportedly initiated new visa restrictions on South Africa, a move pundits are calling 'the diplomatic equivalent of unfriending someone after they send a meticulously worded apology.' The decision, coming hot on the heels of a letter from Pretoria that was, by all accounts, specifically designed to *reduce* bilateral tensions, has left global relations experts scratching their heads, primarily wondering if the U.S. State Department’s mailroom now operates on a two-week delay or if irony is simply the new official language. Sources close to the administration confirmed that the 'temperature' in question was indeed lowered, but only to a frigid, passive-aggressive zero degrees Kelvin, which, while technically cooler, is not ideal for fostering international goodwill. Analysts suggest the move is a bold new strategy to ensure that any future attempts at de-escalation are immediately met with escalated inconvenience, thereby clarifying who, exactly, is in charge of the global thermostat.