U.S. Military, After 20 Years of 'Help,' Abandons Iraq to Fête Its Own Strategic Prowess

In a move lauded by precisely zero focus groups, U.S. forces have finally completed their two-decade-long 'nation-building through demolition' project in Iraq, leaving behind a power vacuum so perfectly designed it could win an industrial design award. Sources close to the Pentagon, who asked to remain anonymous because they were too busy packing their 'World's Best Occupier' mugs, celebrated the departure as a testament to America's unwavering commitment to... well, something. Iraqis, meanwhile, are now free to ponder the true meaning of sovereignty while juggling allegiances between two regional superpowers who collectively spent the last twenty years using their country as a very expensive, very dusty board game. Analysts predict a 'dynamic new era' for the nation, which, in geopolitical terms, means more existential dread and perhaps a new, even more perplexing flag. The last U.S. soldier reportedly left a Post-it note reading 'Good luck, you'll need it' and a half-eaten bag of Cheetos.