U.S. Expands Economic Warfare: Now Targeting Iran's Frequent Flyer Miles and Gold-Plated USB Sticks

In a bold escalation of its notoriously effective 'economic diplomacy,' the United States Treasury Department has announced a sweeping new sanctions regime targeting, among other critical strategic assets, Iran's precious metals, nascent digital ledger tokens, and the deeply menacing aviation, shipping, and technology sectors. Apparently, the prior sanctions, which primarily focused on Iran's oil revenue, had regrettably left significant loopholes for the Islamic Republic to, one presumes, fund its entire nuclear program through the illicit trade of Bitcoin and vintage Boeing 747s. Officials stated the move was necessary to prevent Iran from developing a rogue 'digital gold standard' backed by, presumably, a single, very shiny coin and a blockchain powered entirely by dial-up modems. Critics, meanwhile, are left to wonder if the next phase involves sanctions against Iranian artisanal rug exports and the 'illicit transfer' of spicy pistachios.