Trump & Xi to Discuss Rare Earths: Will They Be Mined From a Mountain of Shared Blame?

Global manufacturers, already in the advanced stages of developing a compulsive fidgeting habit, are reportedly struggling with 'constrained supplies' of rare earth elements, leading to what economists are now calling 'the industrial world’s most expensive game of hide-and-seek.' As former President Donald Trump and Chinese President Xi Jinping prepare for a meeting that promises to be less about nuanced diplomacy and more about determining who can stare longer without blinking, the fate of everything from your smartphone to America's next-gen missile guidance systems hangs precariously in the balance. Experts note that previous administrations inadvertently offshored critical resource processing with the same foresight one might exhibit when entrusting their retirement savings to a 'Prince of Nigeria' email scam. Sources close to the negotiations, who asked to remain anonymous lest they be spontaneously combusted by geopolitical friction, suggest that the leaders will primarily discuss how to re-brand the problem from 'lack of foresight' to 'ingenious strategic leverage' (depending on which side of the Pacific you're listening from). The meeting’s agenda, which allegedly includes a detailed analysis of who can claim more credit for inventing the concept of 'leverage,' is expected to yield outcomes ranging from 'absolutely nothing' to 'a mutually agreed-upon list of other countries to blame.' Meanwhile, multinational corporations are reportedly pivoting to a new R&D initiative: inventing technology that doesn't require rare earths, or, failing that, technology that runs entirely on passive-aggressive emails.