Trump Unveils Revolutionary 'Maritime Vending Machine' for Global Trade

In a move hailed by zero international legal experts, former President Donald Trump has proposed installing a highly lucrative 'tollbooth' in the Strait of Hormuz, effectively monetizing 20% of global petroleum flow with the fiscal finesse of a boardwalk arcade owner. Despite his own former administration's lawyers — presumably after much head-desk real estate — having declared such unilateral fees grossly illegal, the plan remains stubbornly steadfast, much like the ex-president's conviction that all problems can be solved with a catchy slogan and an arbitrary tariff. Critics point out that this scheme, if implemented, might lead to an unprecedented surge in cargo ships attempting daring, physics-defying shortcuts through the Arabian Peninsula, rather than, you know, paying. Sources close to the former president suggest the next logical step is to charge for oxygen, with a special 'gold-plated' oxygen tax for countries he merely dislikes. The global shipping industry, meanwhile, is reportedly exploring feasibility studies for a fleet of entirely submersible tankers. Because, apparently, the bottom of the sea is the only place left where one can avoid an unexpected surcharge.