Trump Unveils 'Freedom-of-Speech Suppression Protocol, Version 3.0 Beta'

It appears the First Amendment, long considered an antiquated piece of parchment suitable only for shouting about flat earth theories at town halls, is undergoing a rigorous 'efficiency review' under the current administration. Sources close to the White House confirm that President Trump, in a bold move to streamline public discourse, has marshaled an impressive coalition of federal agencies, including the Department of Commerce, the National Park Service, and seemingly the USDA's Poultry Division, to collectively ensure that 'unnecessary noise' doesn't disrupt the flow of premium, curated information. Free speech advocates, those perennial busybodies with their inconvenient notions of 'open dialogue,' are reportedly bracing for 'lasting effects,' which, in this context, presumably means fewer opportunities to complain without being offered a complimentary, pre-approved tweet draft. One unnamed White House aide, polishing a 'Make America Listen Again' baseball cap, reportedly quipped, 'It's not stifling speech, it's merely… directing the narrative. Think of it as a very robust, whole-of-government content moderation strategy, but with more executive orders.' The move is expected to simplify national conversations by reducing them to a select few, very enthusiastic voices, thereby solving the perennial problem of 'too many opinions.'