Trump Unveils 'Digital Vigilante' Program, Equips Corporations With Legalized Online Mallets

In a move hailed by anyone who's ever lost their life savings to a Nigerian prince or had their LinkedIn profile spammed by an alleged crypto expert, the former President has reportedly given the green light for American companies to retaliate against cybercriminals with their own digital counter-strikes. This groundbreaking policy, which sources close to the Oval Office describe as 'less a legal framework and more a spirited suggestion,' positions the U.S. firmly in the vanguard of 'internet frontier justice.' Critics, largely confined to obscure 'rule of law' think tanks, worry about the 'unintended consequences' of allowing Big Tech to wage covert online wars, while proponents insist it's merely a belated embrace of a 'when in Rome, hack like the Romans' philosophy. The Department of Justice, meanwhile, is said to be developing a 'universal safe harbor' disclaimer, potentially stating: 'By downloading this corporate-sanctioned malware, you agree to assume all risks, including accidental destabilization of critical infrastructure in a neutral nation.' Truly, a new era of proactive cybersecurity, where your data is protected by the free market's invisible, yet increasingly aggressive, hand.