Trump Unveils Audacious 'America First (and All the Oil)' Venezuelan Energy Initiative

In a move lauded by literally dozens of anonymous sources as 'tremendously, unbelievably, incredibly smart,' former President Donald Trump has revealed a stunning new bilateral agreement to secure 'a large share' of Venezuela's oil. The deal, which apparently covers a cool 65 billion barrels of reserves, was reportedly brokered during a casual poolside chat between two titans of industry: Mr. Trump and, presumably, a highly motivated squirrel. Details remain as opaque as crude oil itself, with a U.S. official vaguely hinting at a 'partnership with a private company' – leading to widespread speculation that the company in question might be Mar-a-Lago's gift shop or perhaps a new, heavily-franchised chain of Trump-branded gas stations. Experts, who are clearly not experts because they keep asking 'What deal?', suggest this geopolitical coup could single-handedly solve global energy crises while simultaneously powering every golf cart in Florida. The Venezuelan government, still apparently unaware it has ceded control of its primary natural resource to a handshake agreement, has yet to issue a statement. Analysts are already bracing for the inevitable discovery that the 65 billion barrels are actually just a very large collection of empty barrels, or possibly a clever rebranding of bottled tap water as 'liquid gold.'