Trump Unearths Lost Continent of Venezuela: Promises 'Greatest Oil Ever,' Says Experts Are 'Losers'

In a move that’s either a stroke of geo-political genius or a particularly vivid fever dream, Donald J. Trump recently declared that America’s strategic petroleum reserves, apparently running on fumes since his last rally, could be swiftly topped off with oil from Venezuela. Industry experts, a notoriously pessimistic bunch, immediately began quibbling about 'infrastructure' and 'timeframes,' suggesting such a feat might take 'years' due to 'Venezuela's currently resembling a post-apocalyptic theme park.' Clearly, these 'experts' haven't been adequately briefed on the Trumpian concept of 'immediately.' Critics also pointed out that the very oil infrastructure in question, currently held together with chewing gum and a prayer, was largely dilapidated during the socialist regime’s reign, which the U.S. has spent years, shall we say, *discouraging*. The logistical gymnastics required to extract, refine, and transport this 'greatest oil ever' would make the Suez Canal crisis look like a minor traffic jam. But for a man who once suggested injecting disinfectant, solving a global energy crisis with a wish and a flick of the wrist seems par for the course. It appears the only thing faster than Trump’s pronouncements is the rate at which reality struggles to keep up.