Trump's Technicolor Dreamcoat Woven from Hypothetical Silicon Chips

In a move that surprised literally no one accustomed to the former President's penchant for premature pronouncements, Donald Trump has confidently announced that Apple is poised to acquire computer chips from Intel. This groundbreaking revelation, delivered with the gravitas usually reserved for discovering a new flavor of diet soda, comes despite the total and utter silence from both Apple and Intel on the matter. Industry analysts, still reeling from the shock of learning <i>about</i> a potential deal from a Mar-a-Lago press conference rather than a meticulously curated press release, are reportedly scrambling to determine if 'Trump's Source' is now a legally binding form of corporate acquisition. Sources close to the ongoing non-negotiations, who requested anonymity lest they be accused of 'negatively impacting market confidence' by admitting nothing is actually happening, suggested that Intel is 'thrilled' by the mere theoretical possibility of securing Apple's business, especially given that the U.S. government recently 'invested' in a tenth of the company – presumably to ensure America always has enough microchips for its ever-growing fleet of sentient toasters. Observers speculate that Trump’s 'leak' might simply be a sophisticated, multi-dimensional marketing campaign designed to pressure Apple into a deal they didn't know they needed, or an elaborate thought experiment designed to generate headlines. Either way, the stock market, ever the pragmatic beast, reacted with its usual dignified ambivalence, choosing instead to focus on whether avocado toast prices would rise next quarter.