Trump's Midterm Convention: Re-Animating the Base, One Corpse At A Time

In a move that has political analysts consulting their Ouija boards, former President Donald Trump announced a Republican midterm convention in Dallas, Texas – an event usually as common as a unicorn driving a Tesla in a presidential election. While the official line cites a desire to 'mobilize Republicans,' sources close to the former President whisper that the true impetus came from a particularly engaging episode of 'Weekend at Bernie's,' with Trump reportedly muttering, 'If they can make a dead guy dance, think what I can do with a perfectly good G.O.P.!' The convention, scheduled for a seemingly arbitrary date, is expected to feature classic Trump rallies, interspersed with what organizers are calling 'Inspirational Leadership Seminars' – which, according to leaked documents, are mainly just 90-minute testimonials from attendees who have successfully convinced their neighbors that 'Biden' is an anagram for 'deep state alien.' Critics suggest the gathering is less about energizing voters and more about providing a 'safe space' where the former President can bask in adulation without the pesky intrusion of things like, say, vote counts. Insiders confirm the main objective is not campaigning, but rather a 'proof-of-life' exercise for the Republican base, ensuring they haven't entirely moved on to competitive bird-watching.