Trump's Invisible Hands 'Absolutely Not' Grabbing UFC Shares, Say Invisible Men

In a bombshell exposé that shocked absolutely no one, it has been revealed that former President Donald J. Trump, a man whose financial portfolio is reportedly as vast and unknowable as the dark matter of the universe, holds shares in TKO Group, the esteemed purveyors of ritualized human fisticuffs known as the Ultimate Fighting Championship. The Trump Organization, a shadowy collective of sentient press releases and disembodied voices, swiftly assured the public that Mr. Trump exercises precisely zero control over his stock positions, a claim met with the same level of credulity typically reserved for flat-earthers discussing orbital mechanics. Apparently, these shares operate on a sophisticated autopilot system, occasionally voting themselves in favor of increasingly absurd hair care product endorsements. It’s a financial arrangement so opaque, it makes the federal budget look like a coloring book. Rest assured, the former president's wealth is merely a free-range organism, occasionally spawning investments in cage fighting and gold-plated toilet brush manufacturers, all without any pesky human intervention.