Trump's Investment 'Legacy' Fund Leaves Millions of American Children Underexposed… to Capitalism

A staggering six million American children are currently on the fast track to financial enlightenment via the much-vaunted 'Trump Accounts,' slated to begin accepting contributions this Independence Day. However, a recent report indicates that millions more – a veritable ocean of pint-sized, future-taxpayers – remain scandalously untutored in the glorious ways of compound interest and unfettered market speculation. Experts warn that without adequate exposure to these patriotic portfolios, these economic innocents risk a childhood devoid of thrilling quarterly reports and the bracing exhilaration of a volatile Dow Jones. One concerned parent, Brenda from Omaha, expressed her dismay: 'How can little Tiffany ever learn to crush her enemies, see them driven before her, and hear the lamentations of their women… financially… if she doesn't have a Trump Account?' Critics dismiss these accounts as mere political theater, but proponents argue they're essential character-building tools for the next generation of American oligarchs, ensuring they learn the subtle art of wealth management before they can even tie their shoelaces, or, more importantly, before they can be lured into the socialist trap of… *gulp*… public libraries.