Trump's Grand Lever-Search Continues: Unearthing More Leverage Than Actual Levers

Washington D.C. — In a development that has baffled economists, trade negotiators, and anyone who's ever tried to open a stuck jar of pickles, former President Trump is reportedly still searching for 'leverage' in his dealings with Chinese President Xi Jinping regarding China's famously prodigious industrial output. Sources close to the former administration indicate that while the search has yielded an impressive collection of novelty bottle openers and several vintage crowbars, actual diplomatic leverage remains as elusive as a coherent Twitter policy. The challenge, as elucidated by a hastily assembled whiteboard diagram in the Oval Office at the time, is that China possesses so much 'stuff' – everything from steel girders to novelty flashing dog collars – that even attempting to match their manufacturing prowess would require the U.S. to convert the entire Midwest into a single, colossal factory producing only, say, patriotic garden gnomes. This 'excess capacity' has historically left American negotiators feeling less like world leaders and more like a homeowner trying to explain the concept of 'enough' to a perpetually gift-giving aunt. Experts suggest that the only true leverage might be convincing China that they've already won, thus negating the need for further production, or perhaps a global treaty mandating a 'two-bicycle limit' per household.