Trump's Gold-Plated Crypto Yacht Sinks, Mandates Rescue by Congress

In a move that surprised absolutely no one fluent in the intricate dance between personal enrichment and public policy, Donald J. Trump recently convened a glittering assembly of cryptocurrency evangelists. The former President, who has demonstrably embraced the digital doubloon market with all the subtlety of a gilded bulldozer, is now apparently quite keen for Congress to codify its favorable regulatory standing. Insiders, by which we mean anyone with an internet connection, note Trump's personal crypto holdings have swelled to a degree that makes Scrooge McDuck's vault look like a piggy bank with a mild case of inflation. The discussions, reportedly held in a ballroom that likely featured more gold leaf than a baroque chapel, centered on a proposed crypto bill designed to 'unleash innovation,' which is apparently Washington-speak for 'make my portfolio even fatter.' Critics, many of whom inexplicably refuse to embrace the concept of magic internet money, suggest the former President's sudden legislative fervor might be less about economic foresight and more about ensuring his digital assets don't spontaneously combust in a regulatory bonfire. Rest assured, the nation’s top lawmakers are now scrambling to draft legislation that somehow distinguishes 'financial genius' from 'insider trading with extra steps and blockchain.'