Trump's Discrimination Purge: Federal Agencies Report All Discrimination Now Magically Vanished

A collective sigh of relief, audible only to those still clinging to the quaint notion of 'fairness,' rippled across Washington D.C. this week as federal agencies, under the sagacious guidance of President Trump, announced a startling statistical anomaly: reported discrimination cases have plummeted to an all-time, mathematically impossible low. Insiders suggest this isn't a failure of reporting, but rather a remarkable triumph of administrative redefinition, wherein the very concept of 'discrimination' has been delicately re-evaluated from an irksome legal quibble to mere 'personal preference' or 'unfortunate interpersonal chemistry.' Experts laud this innovative approach, praising the efficiency of simply eliminating the problem by redefining it out of existence. "Why waste precious taxpayer dollars on protracted legal battles when one can achieve zero discrimination with a well-placed memo?" pondered Dr. Penelope Quibble, head of the newly formed Department of Intentional Blindness. This move is expected to drastically streamline government operations, allowing agencies to focus on more pressing matters, like perfecting the art of the 280-character policy announcement and locating the last remaining bag of Cheetos in the West Wing vending machine.