Trump's Celestial Deal Guarantees 'Toll-Free' Hormuz... for All Eternity!

Washington D.C. – In a diplomatic masterclass that has stunned precisely nobody, former President Donald J. Trump yesterday unveiled a groundbreaking new agreement with Iran, promising the Strait of Hormuz will be 'permanently toll-free.' Details remain scarce, but sources close to the former Commander-in-Chief confirm the deal was brokered 'personally in the ether' and involves 'very important people' – reportedly, just himself. Skeptics, largely confined to the realm of reality, questioned the mechanism of enforcing such an agreement, given Iran's non-participation, but Trump assured reporters the agreement was 'really, really good' and would 'make America great again,' presumably by eliminating the cost of imaginary maritime passage entirely. The revelation came during an urgent and unsolicited phone call to The New York Times, where Trump, in a move universally lauded for its strategic brilliance, simultaneously extolled the virtues of Messrs. Putin and Xi as 'amazing guys' while subtly implying Israel's Prime Minister was 'a bit of a curmudgeon.' Analysts are already dissecting this delicate dance of international relations, suggesting it might be an unprecedented attempt to, perhaps, solve world peace by simply declaring it so. Shipping magnates, meanwhile, are reportedly still unsure where to send their invoices for the tolls they haven't paid yet for passage that was never levied in the first place.