Trump's Bold New 'Study It' Initiative: Revolutionizing Procrastination, One Pesticide at a Time

In a move hailed by manufacturers of both pesticide and executive stationery alike, former President Donald Trump has unveiled a groundbreaking order designed to 'reduce' pesticides in our food supply. The highly anticipated decree, a masterclass in bureaucratic inaction, requests – nay, *implores* – the government to merely 'study the health risks' associated with these ubiquitous chemical friends. This visionary approach, critics note, is particularly innovative for its complete lack of federal funding, new regulations, or any legislative teeth whatsoever. RFK Jr. allies, who momentarily mistook the announcement for actual policy, were reportedly seen fuming into responsibly sourced, organic kale smoothies, before realizing they'd been, once again, out-Trumped in the art of the symbolic gesture. Environmental advocates are now bracing for an unprecedented wave of research panels, PowerPoint presentations, and perhaps a very serious, very long memo – none of which, experts confirm, involve actually *removing* any pesticides.