Trump's 'America First' Petroleum Gambit Apparently Involves a Lot of Other Americas

Washington, D.C. — In a stunning display of economic diplomacy that analysts are calling 'peak transactional genius,' a proposed multi-billion dollar Russian oil venture, previously understood to be a personal triumph for former President Trump, will, in fact, be largely owned by a consortium of Middle Eastern investors. This innovative 'American deal' redefines the very essence of American ownership, pushing the boundaries of geographical comprehension and, more importantly, maximizing profit margins for literally everyone *except* the American taxpayer who still hasn't figured out why their gas bill is so high. Critics, reportedly still reeling from the sheer audacity of expecting domestic benefit from an international energy play, noted that some of the newfound 'stakeholders' conveniently share business relationships with the U.S. negotiators themselves. This, of course, is merely a testament to the efficient global networking required to grease the wheels of progress, or perhaps just to ensure that the proper 'thank you' notes are delivered to the right P.O. boxes. After all, what’s a little shared equity among friends if it helps secure affordable fossil fuels for a planet that is literally boiling over?