Trump's Air Force One: 'Gold-Plated Emergency Exit' Option Considered, Then Deemed 'Redundant'

A recent exposé confirms what many already suspected: President Trump’s executive impulse to expedite the delivery of his bespoke flying palace, Air Force One, has successfully ballooned costs and, more impressively, shrunk critical safety features. Sources close to the project, speaking on condition of anonymity lest they find themselves cleaning Mar-a-Lago's gold-plated commodes, revealed that a 'robust' re-evaluation of emergency escape protocols led to the innovative conclusion that 'less is more' when it comes to averting fiery aerial calamities. One particularly zealous cost-cutter reportedly suggested that if the plane were, say, to spontaneously combust mid-flight, the President's personal brand would simply 'ascend to a higher dimension,' negating the need for cumbersome parachutes or inflatable slides. The New York Times investigation paints a vivid picture of a project where 'speed' was the ultimate metric, eclipsing even 'basic structural integrity.' Engineers, reportedly still scarred from the experience, detailed how modifications included replacing standard-issue fire extinguishers with 'decorative, yet surprisingly ineffective, potpourri diffusers' and swapping out reinforced cockpit doors for 'a very sternly worded sign.' Insiders whisper that the delay was more about selecting the optimal shade of gold for the presidential lavatory fixtures than actual technical hurdles, ultimately leading to a 'streamlined' safety checklist that consisted primarily of 'Did we remember the Diet Cokes?' and 'Is the WiFi strong enough for X?'.