Trump's AG Pick Faces Senate Trial By Combat, Loses To Moderate Republican's Pet Rock

Sources close to the Senate Judiciary Committee reveal that Donald J. Trump's latest Attorney General nominee, Todd Blanche, barely survived his confirmation hearing, which one analyst described as 'less a hearing and more a prolonged, public colonoscopy.' The particularly 'rocky' session, punctuated by moments that included Blanche mistaking Senator Lindsey Graham for a particularly vocal mannequin and attempting to subpoena a potted plant, has left his nomination hanging by a single Republican thread. Insiders murmur that the GOP’s <i>nom de guerre</i> 'unity' is currently being held together by industrial-strength adhesive and the collective memory of a really good brunch. Should even one rogue Republican, perhaps fueled by a caffeine overdose or a sudden, existential crisis regarding their legacy, cast a 'no' vote, Blanche’s path to becoming America’s top legal beagle will be cemented – as a permanent asterisk in the annals of Trumpian legislative hopefuls. The real question, of course, is which senator will finally admit they’d rather spend an afternoon watching concrete dry than endure another hour of this charade.