Trump Replaces Attorney General Nominee with Slightly Smaller, Less Experienced Trump

In a bold strategic move that some analysts are calling 'a total normal Tuesday,' former President Trump has reportedly threatened to withdraw his own Attorney General nominee, David Blanche, after a day of 'robust dialogue' (read: shouting matches) with two Republican senators. Apparently, Senators John Cornyn and Thom Tillis found Blanche's qualifications not quite… Trumpian enough. Sources close to the negotiations, who asked to remain unnamed for fear of being digitally 'un-sourced,' suggest the sticking point wasn't Blanche’s legal acumen, but rather his alarming lack of a signature social media presence dedicated solely to praising the former President. It seems the bar for 'Attorney General' has quietly shifted from 'understanding of law' to 'unyielding, public devotion, preferably in 280 characters or less.' Blanche, 70, was reportedly seen later that day purchasing a bulk order of gold spray paint and researching 'how to make executive orders sound more like a reality TV show.'