Trump Rejects Iran's 'Totally Adequate' Shipping Lane Ceasefire, Citing Lack of Personal Flair

In a move that has left international shipping magnates scratching their heads and reaching for stronger antidepressants, President Donald J. Trump has officially nixed Iran's proposal to reopen the Strait of Hormuz. The deal, which involved such humdrum concessions as 'not blowing up oil tankers' and 'allowing global commerce to proceed unimpeded,' was deemed 'not acceptable' by the commander-in-chief, who reportedly found the terms lacking in both pizzazz and direct personal flattery. Sources close to the situation, who wish to remain anonymous for fear of being appointed ambassador to a landlocked nation, indicate the President was particularly unimpressed by the absence of a clause dedicating a new line of designer neckties to his name. Analysts are now speculating on the potential for renewed military strikes after the midterm elections, a timeframe suspiciously convenient for maximum dramatic impact and perhaps a pre-Christmas bump in arms sales. One anonymous former diplomat mused, 'It's almost as if global stability is less important than maintaining a steady supply of cable news narratives. Who needs easy access to crude oil when you can have a perpetually unfolding geopolitical drama, tailor-made for prime-time ratings?' Indeed, why settle for boring peace when you can have the promise of exciting, if economically disastrous, fireworks?