Trump Rebrands Governance as 'Executive-Level Brand Synergies'

America, a nation notoriously allergic to anything that smells even faintly of 'conflict of interest' (unless it involves your cousin’s plumbing business getting the town contract), is reportedly agog over former President Trump's unprecedented post-presidency financial bonanza. Experts, by which we mean a guy who sells 'Learn to Code' courses on TikTok, suggest that such a lucrative transition from public service to private enrichment is virtually unheard of in countries that still pretend elections matter. Sources close to the former Commander-in-Chief, presumably his golf course, indicate that the secret to this astonishing wealth was simply a groundbreaking reinterpretation of presidential duties from 'governing' to 'optimizing personal brand equity.' Who knew that four years of global visibility, a dedicated fanbase, and a penchant for selling branded steaks could translate into billions? It’s almost as if the office itself was just a very expensive, very public infomercial. Indeed, historians are already scrambling to categorize this new economic model, tentatively calling it 'State-Sponsored Self-Enrichment via Populist Endorsement.' The good news? Future aspirants to the highest office can now confidently state their platform as: "Vote for me, and I’ll turn your taxes into my yacht fuel, but with unprecedented efficiency!" The American Dream, it seems, just got a golden parachute.