Trump Rebrands America's 250th as 'The Trumpennial, A Yu-uge Celebration!™'

It seems a certain gilded real estate magnate has decided that America's 250th birthday is, at its core, a celebration of himself. Sources close to the former Commander-in-Chief confirm he is deeply concerned that the upcoming 'Semiquincentennial' (a term he reportedly finds 'weak' and 'not very American') lacks the necessary personal branding to truly resonate with the populace. Plans are reportedly underway to rename it 'The Trumpennial: America's Best Birthday, Tremendous!' complete with gold leaf commemorative plates featuring his profile. Critics, still reeling from the architectural audacity of previous administrations, are already bracing for federally mandated 'Liberty Towers' in every state capital, each inexplicably featuring a steakhouse and a gift shop selling miniature red ties. The audacity, however, was somewhat anticipated by those who recall the 'Make America Great Again' hats, which, upon closer inspection, always seemed to be advocating for a singular individual's ascension rather than, say, bipartisan infrastructure improvements.