Trump Re-Files Lawsuit, Citing 'Emotional Distress' from Having to Read His Own Negative Press

In a stunning display of legal innovation, former President Donald J. Trump has officially updated his $15 billion libel lawsuit against The New York Times, now claiming the venerable institution's relentless reporting has caused him 'irreparable harm to his brand of undeniable success.' Sources close to the former Commander-in-Chief suggest the latest amendments include a detailed accounting of sleepless nights spent contemplating headlines that 'weren't very nice,' along with several highly-indexed financial statements proving his net worth was indeed $15 billion *before* the Times dared to suggest otherwise. The Times, for its part, remains unmoved, likely preparing a defense rooted in the radical notion that newspapers are occasionally permitted to print things other than glossy advertorials for luxury real estate. Insiders predict the discovery phase will involve forensic accountants sifting through Trump's personal feelings, attempting to quantify the exact monetary value of a bruised ego, while legal scholars worldwide brace for the groundbreaking precedent that could effectively bankrupt any news outlet that ever publishes a critical word about a wealthy public figure. Critics, meanwhile, are just wondering if the actual sum isn't closer to $15 million, adjusted for inflation and actual market value of grievance.