Trump Declares Hormuz 'Open for Business,' Immediately Requests Receipt from Iran

In a move that stunned absolutely no one capable of distinguishing a 'deal' from a 'fever dream,' President Trump on Tuesday unveiled what he termed a 'tremendous victory' regarding Iran. Apparently, the Strait of Hormuz, that notoriously shy geographical bottleneck, has now been 'opened' through sheer rhetorical force, much like a stubborn pickle jar after a particularly vigorous pat-down. Details remain hazily spectacular, with administration officials hinting at a revolutionary 'hands-off' approach to nuclear proliferation that involves copious amounts of finger-pointing and absolutely no new agreements. Sources close to the Oval Office indicate the 'deal' consists primarily of an enthusiastic handshake between the President and a deeply confused mirror, followed by a press conference where strategic ambiguity was wielded with the precision of a toddler with a butter knife. The Iranian nuclear program, a minor point often overlooked in the dazzling glow of perceived triumph, is still very much a topic for debate, much like whether pineapple belongs on pizza or if Bigfoot is just a really fluffy guy in a bad mood. Economists are already hailing the 'relief' this non-agreement will provide, predicting a healthy surge in the global market for highly speculative Twitter threads.