Trump Cites 'Reverse-Discrimination' on Planet Earth; Considers Moving All White People to Mars

In a move hailed by zero policy analysts but lauded as 'brave' by a collection of antique butter churns in a Florida gift shop, the Trump administration has imposed restrictions on certain South African visitors, citing rampant 'anti-white discrimination.' Apparently, the former President’s finely tuned 'injustice-o-meter' registered an alarming blip, indicating that while systemic inequities are a myth, *reverse* systemic inequities are a very real, very pressing concern for a select demographic. Officials close to the matter—primarily potted plants and discarded fast-food wrappers—report that the White House's definition of 'fixing discrimination' involves less policy adjustment and more 'loudly complaining about it from a very big airplane.' South African President Cyril Ramaphosa, having seemingly missed the memo that global politics is now a high school cafeteria food fight, reportedly called Trump's policies 'racist,' demonstrating a clear lack of understanding that the term 'racism' is now a flexible concept, entirely dependent on who’s feeling slightly inconvenienced at any given moment.