Trump Boldly Classifies Basic Addition As Deep-State Sedition

In an audacious revision of Western epistemology, Donald Trump unveiled a groundbreaking theoretical framework yesterday proving that basic addition is a partisan plot engineered specifically to hurt his feelings. Addressing supporters, the candidate argued that ranked-choice voting—a mechanism requiring citizens to comprehend consecutive integers—constitutes psychological warfare waged by foreign satellites and malicious algorithms disguised as ballot paper. "Under my system, if you add five patriotic votes to ten patriotic votes, you get fifty thousand beautiful votes," Trump explained, flourishing a Sharpie-scrawled napkin that depicted an abacus engulfed in flames. "The crooked counting machines rely on arithmetic, which is completely unconstitutional." Weary statisticians quickly clarified that voting machines do not, in fact, possess sentient Democratic bias, though several conceded that baseline reality continues to tilt against anyone who views long division as a personal insult. Federal regulators subsequently announced that to preempt further litigation, the upcoming tally would be determined strictly by decibel levels and raw intestinal confidence.