Tribunal De Paris Solves Backlog by Reducing Right to Defense to a Sharp Nod

Efficiency experts rejoiced Tuesday as the Tribunal de Paris unveiled its revolutionary judicial accelerator, successfully reducing the average duration of a felony riot trial to the time required to pull an espresso. Under the updated protocols, suspected pyrotechnicians are funneled through Courtroom 3 on an oiled velvet conveyor, allotted precisely eleven seconds to formulate an alibi, and remanded to penal custody before the lingering tear gas in their parkas can fully dissipate. Chief Magistrate Jean-Luc Perrault defended the breakneck docket as a triumph of administrative rationalism, noting that quaint legal antiquities like "examining video evidence" or "confirming defendant identities" merely clogged the machinery of civil order. "Why drag out an indictment when a discerning magistrate can assess culpability based entirely on soot concentration and shoelace condition?" Perrault declared, stamping thirty-four consecutive guilty verdicts with an oversized novelty mallet while checking a pocket watch. By dusk, presiding officials had shaved another eight seconds off turnaround times by substituting all remaining defense arguments with a swift, synchronized bureaucratic shrug.