Todd Blanche’s Confirmation: A Symphony of ‘Absolutely Nothing to See Here’ for the IRS

Washington, D.C. – In a move that absolutely nobody could have predicted, the confirmation of Todd Blanche as Attorney General has hit a momentary speed bump, reportedly due to 'minor administrative clarifications' regarding a paltry $1.8 billion fund earmarked for President Trump’s closest associates. Sources close to the confirmation process, who are definitely not currently polishing their résumés, confirmed that Mr. Blanche has generously provided the Senate GOP with 'written assurances' – a legal term of art meaning 'we promised not to look too closely at the numbers, pinky swear.' Critics, often dismissed as 'individuals with an unhealthy attachment to democratic norms,' had expressed mild curiosity about why a former president might require a dedicated financial pipeline for his inner circle, particularly one that also conveniently ensures said former president enjoys a bespoke, golden-plated immunity from the taxman’s prying gaze. However, Mr. Blanche’s reassurances, rumored to be scribbled on a cocktail napkin during a very important golf game, have reportedly assuaged all concerns, proving once again that a well-placed, entirely non-binding promise is worth more than a thousand pesky audits. The Senate is now expected to rubber-stamp the confirmation, possibly with a small, appreciative round of applause.