Tech Giants Assure Wall Street That Boiling the Power Grid Will Eventually Yield Profit

Amazon officially joined the tech industry’s collective pact to convert the planetary gross domestic product directly into heat exhaust Thursday, announcing another staggering multibillion-dollar expenditure on sprawling server farms. The move sent institutional shareholders lunging toward their antacids, as capital expenditures swelled to accommodate millions of humming processors whose primary economic output remains generating slightly inaccurate cover letters and synthetic frogs playing tennis. "We understand Wall Street’s hesitation regarding our strategy of setting mountains of cash on fire inside warehouse-sized air conditioners," explained chief executive Andy Jassy, shouting over the deafening whine of a localized turbine farm consuming the entire electrical grid of eastern Oregon. "However, once we spend another seventy billion dollars, our algorithms will finally achieve the capability to autonomously explain to investors why we have no cash left." Markets responded by promptly shaving twelve percent off the firm's valuation, wholly unconvinced that draining municipal reservoirs to cool silicon monoliths is adequately offset by software that reliably hallucinates a tenth planet.