Tech Columnist Delighted to Announce New Software Capable of Living Life on His Behalf

According to breathless productivity dispatches from Silicon Valley, delegating the tedious burden of personhood to autonomous software proxies is no longer a dystopian accident, but the ultimate executive life hack. Enthusiasts report historic breakthroughs in personal convenience by deploying algorithmic assistants to carpet-bomb corporate recruiters with fabricated cover letters while simultaneously arm-wrestling rival digital scripts for an 8:15 p.m. dinner reservation at an overhyped trattoria. The resulting ecosystem achieves a state of immaculate, frictionless alienation. In several observed beta tests, one subscriber's synthetic agent successfully negotiated a six-figure salary with an automated human-resources filter, ordered forty dollars worth of cold soba noodles, and broke up with a long-distance partner, all while the subscriber himself remained fully horizontal on a futon, staring blankly at a crack in the drywall. Economists project that within three quarters, digital agents will completely monopolize the hospitality and employment sectors, leaving vast networks of hyperventilating servers to politely decline each other’s calendar invites in an empty, perfectly air-conditioned void.