Tech Bros Discover Stupidity Is Free, Taxpayers Foot the Bill for Existential Dread

A ground-breaking, year-long study by The New York Times has finally confirmed what many suspected: giving people money still results in them having money. This profound insight, hailed by Silicon Valley's philanthropic overlords like Elon Musk as the 'next logical step' after automating humanity out of existence, suggests that Universal Basic Income (UBI) might indeed cushion the blow of the robot apocalypse. The study's participants, reportedly enjoying their newfound financial stability, were observed engaging in 'sustained breathing patterns' and 'occasional voluntary mastication,' indicating a surprisingly high success rate for not starving. Critics, however, argue that while UBI addresses the inconvenience of poverty, it does little to prepare a populace for an age where their primary function is to simply *be* a recipient, or perhaps, a 'human-shaped carbon offset' for a machine-driven economy. What's next? Universal Basic Entertainment for when even *being* gets boring?