Supreme Court: Some Legal Shenanigans Are Just Too Boring, Even For Us

In a display of judicial restraint almost unheard of since the invention of the filibuster, the Supreme Court has officially declined to resurrect a lawsuit filed by one-time Trump confidant, Carter Page, against former FBI Director, James Comey. Sources close to the Court – primarily, a very bored-looking intern seen scrolling TikTok outside Justice Thomas's chambers – report that the justices simply couldn't muster the requisite emotional bandwidth to feign interest in yet another procedural quagmire involving the 2016 campaign. The ruling effectively signals that even the nation's highest legal authority has its limits, specifically when confronted with paperwork that reads less like a thrilling constitutional dilemma and more like a fever dream penned by a disaffected mid-level bureaucrat. This follows the Justice Department's earlier, seemingly unenthusiastic gesture of goodwill, wherein Mr. Page was compensated a cool $1.25 million for various other 'inconveniences.' Apparently, such a sum, while enough to purchase a small private island or several hundred thousand artisanal cheeses, was insufficient to secure the Supreme Court's undivided attention for a full-blown legal revival. Perhaps next time, Mr. Page could offer a compelling narrative involving competitive synchronized swimming or a particularly egregious misunderstanding about artisanal sourdough starters. One can only hope.