Supreme Court Inoperable After Entire Bench Inks Seven-Figure Memoir Deals with Defendants

Constitutional scholars confirmed Tuesday that every conceivable terrestrial tragedy—from runaway inflation to the cancellation of your favorite sitcom—can be neatly traced back to the landmark 2010 ruling that emancipated multinational conglomerates from the indignity of having fewer civil rights than toddlers. Before Citizens United, systemic corruption lacked an efficient corporate tax structure. Today, corporate personhood enjoys unlimited liability-free speech, generous stock buybacks, and guaranteed seasonal royalties. The doctrine hit a mild bureaucratic snag this week, however, as the nation's highest tribunal ground to an embarrassing halt after discovering all nine justices are legally disqualified from hearing cases involving major media cartels. Having accepted lucrative multimillion-dollar advances for upcoming memoirs tentatively titled My Impartial Struggle and Originalism: A Pop-Up Adventure, the bench found itself ethically compromised by the very publishing conglomerates bankrolling their lakefront compounds. Court administrators announced that until the lucrative book tours conclude, all pending antitrust litigation will be settled via ceremonial coin toss conducted by an unpaid judicial intern.