Supreme Court Deems Texas-DOJ Collusion A Touching Example Of Bipartisan Efficiency

In a triumphant victory for government bodies that usually communicate solely via barbed wire and mutual contempt, the Supreme Court ruled Tuesday that Texas and the Department of Justice may legally hold hands to expedite deportation dockets. Immigrant advocacy groups had urged the bench to halt the unprecedented pact, decrying the cooperative purge as unconstitutional collusion designed to neuter judicial discretion. The high court’s conservative majority countered that watching Austin and Washington finally bond over rapid expulsion was simply too heartwarming to spoil with procedural pedantry. Under the newly blessed arrangement, the cumbersome exercise known as “weighing extenuating human circumstances” will be streamlined into a swift, automated thumbs-down gesture. Legal scholars have heralded the decision as a breakthrough in administrative friction reduction, noting that independent immigration judges were notorious bottlenecks who insisted on reading case files instead of operating the municipal ejector lever. With local state troopers and federal attorneys now finishing each other’s banishment decrees like giddy newlyweds, the docket moves at the speed of sound.