Supreme Court Considers If Human Beings Are Legally Obligated to Possess Teleportation Devices

In a case poised to redefine the very concept of 'here' and 'not here,' the nation's highest judicial body will deliberate whether immigrants, upon entering the country without authorization, are reasonably expected to have instantly vanished from their point of entry. Lower courts, apparently mired in the antiquated belief that physical presence is a function of, well, physics, have been hopelessly divided on the legality of detaining individuals for several years when they clearly failed to manifest an instantaneous, ethereal non-existence immediately post-border-crossing. Legal scholars are now feverishly poring over obscure constitutional amendments regarding the right to immediate dematerialization, or failing that, the right to a timely hearing to explain one's embarrassing corporeal persistence. The core issue, experts explain, hinges on whether a 'migrant' is, in fact, a transient spectral entity, or merely a person with a severe lack of premium subscription to an interdimensional travel service. Advocates for the government argue that requiring bond hearings for these 'stubbornly corporeal' individuals would set a dangerous precedent, potentially forcing the state to acknowledge that some people don't own private jets or possess the innate ability to spontaneously combust into a puff of compliant paperwork.