Strategic Chokepoint Now Exclusive Access to Mar-a-Lago VIP Beach Club, Says Tehran

In a move that has international shipping magnates frantically Googling 'what is a strait, anyway?', Iran's Foreign Ministry has clarified that the Strait of Hormuz will remain inconveniently closed until, and only until, Donald J. Trump personally agrees to a set of rather... personalized demands. A spokesman, speaking from what appeared to be a very comfortable armchair, stressed that ongoing 'discussions' with Oman regarding various 'shipping routes' (presumably, where to park your superyacht once you’ve circumnavigated Africa) were entirely separate from the *actual* negotiations to allow the world’s oil supply to pass through its historically significant bottleneck. Apparently, the waterway’s continued cessation of service is now less about geopolitical brinkmanship and more akin to a very high-stakes HOA dispute, with the former U.S. President holding the coveted golden key, or perhaps, a very specific brand of golf course membership. Analysts suggest the demands likely include a guarantee of 'tremendous' new tariffs on Persian rugs, or perhaps an exclusive 'Strait of Hormuz' golf course development deal, ensuring that global trade is once again held hostage by the whims of a very particular brand of transactional diplomacy.