State Dept. Unveils Bold New Policy: 'Got Your Papers? Too Bad.'

In a truly visionary display of bureaucratic efficiency, the State Department has announced an ambitious new program to streamline the asylum process by… well, by simply un-streaming it. Foreign citizens who, in a baffling display of optimism, dared to seek asylum while already holding valid U.S. visas will now face the elegant simplicity of having those very visas revoked. This ingenious maneuver, slated to affect a mere 200,000 individuals, promises to cut down on paperwork by ensuring there are fewer people with valid entry documents to begin with. Sources close to the administration, who spoke on condition of anonymity because their desks are now guarded by attack geese, confirm that the review process is already underway, with cancellations poised to arrive in waves – much like the hopeful migrants themselves, but in reverse. Critics, largely comprised of people who understand how international law works, have called the policy 'unprecedented' and 'likely to cause chaos,' which aides say is precisely the point. After all, what's more American than a chaotic pursuit of administrative purity? Expect the nation's airport holding pens to become the new five-star accommodation for those who believed a piece of paper meant anything.