State Dept. Unveils 'America First' Visa: Now With Fewer Americas!

In a move lauded by those who believe borders are for flexing, the State Department has quietly rolled out a new visa policy aimed at re-educating the Western Hemisphere on the precise pecking order of global clout. Sources close to the initiative, speaking from behind several layers of nondisclosure agreements and an entire 'Make America Great Again' themed air freshener, indicate that the revamped visa process is less about travel and more about reminding nations that their aspirations are, at best, a charming side note to America's main narrative. One senior official, requesting anonymity due to a recent public gaffe involving a map and a sharpie, explained, 'It's less a 'visa' and more a 'polite reminder of who brings the dip to the party.' Critics, largely found outside the diplomatic golf courses frequented by the administration, suggest that restricting movement might inadvertently limit the flow of precisely the types of individuals who might, say, operate a lucrative chain of luxury hotels or staff a resort. However, proponents insist that this 'strategic curtailment of unfettered access' is a brilliant long-term play, ensuring that any future global collaborations will be undertaken with an appropriate level of pre-emptive gratitude. The new visa, reportedly embossed with a silhouette of a golden eagle high-fiving a slightly confused looking hemisphere, promises to be as easy to obtain as a coherent explanation of foreign policy from a reality TV star.