SpaceX IPO: Because Earth Was Getting Too Crowded With Our Money

In a move that surprised absolutely no one still clinging to the notion of 'gravity' or 'sensible financial decisions,' SpaceX has officially priced its gargantuan public offering at a crisp $135 per share. Analysts across the globe, many of whom were last seen muttering about 'dogecoin' and 'literal rockets,' have hailed the valuation as 'a steal, if you consider the alternative is continuing to breathe Earth-bound air.' With over 555 million shares flung into the market like so many discarded Saturn V booster stages, experts anticipate that the world's wealth will soon be neatly redistribut—*checks notes*—consolidated into fewer, more orbital hands. Sources close to the offering, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being launched into the sun, confirmed that the IPO is fully subscribed, largely by investors whose previous portfolios consisted solely of 'thoughts and prayers' and 'that weird crypto coin Elon tweeted about.' When asked about the astronomical pricing, a SpaceX spokesperson, visible only via a faint video feed from what appeared to be a Mars habitat, simply stated, 'It's a bargain, really. For the first time, you're not just buying a share of a company; you're buying a tiny, theoretical sliver of *humanity's future*... or at least, a very large stainless steel cylinder.' Trading is set to commence Friday, presumably after the earth-bound exchanges complete their daily ritual of sacrificing a small goat to the fickle gods of the market.