SpaceX Incinerator Goes Rogue, Adds Lithuanian Building to List of 'Debris'

In a move that officials are calling either 'a deliberate act of disruption' or 'a particularly aggressive Roomba incident,' a Starlink facility in Lithuania recently experienced a rapid unscheduled disassembly via conflagration. This fiery hiccup, the latest in a continental series of 'spontaneous thermal events' plaguing the satellite internet provider, reportedly did not seriously damage the network. Apparently, the network is as resilient as a cockroach after a nuclear war, or perhaps the fire was just a very expensive, localized Wi-Fi signal boost. Experts speculate these incidents might be the geopolitical equivalent of repeatedly hitting 'refresh' on the internet connection – only with more smoke and less immediate gratification. Meanwhile, analysts are scrambling to determine if the perpetrators were state-sponsored saboteurs, disgruntled subscribers with slow download speeds, or just a really ambitious squirrel with a lighter.