SpaceX Hits Profitability After Remembering To Monetize The Void Between Stars

In a triumphant validation of mankind’s cosmic destiny, SpaceX posted a robust quarterly profit Tuesday after discovering that beaming broadband to luxury catamarans and burning petawatts on synthetic cognition is vastly more lucrative than touching a dead rock 140 million miles away. While capital expenditures on automated reasoning ballooned into the stratosphere, revenue doubled thanks to Starlink, the orbital constellation dedicated to ensuring Midwestern doomsday preppers never suffer packet loss during online arguments. Corporate filings reveal that the aerospace giant's bespoke silicon brains burned through billions of dollars in electricity, primarily to calculate that the optimal trajectory toward human enlightenment involves launching thousands of reflective metal mirrors that ruin terrestrial astronomy for commercial gain. Executives reassured purists that the dream of becoming a multi-planetary species remains entirely intact, provided the species in question is an unhinged corporate algorithm generating speculative real estate listings in low-Earth orbit.