Socialist Messiah Attempts Miraculous Conversion of Heartwarming Local News Comment Section

In a move lauded by zero economists but celebrated by those with an excess of free time, New York's Democratic Socialist standard-bearer, Gustavo Gordillo, has reportedly embarked on an audacious mission: spreading the gospel of collective ownership to the famously receptive intellectual climate of regional cable news comment sections. Eyewitness accounts, largely culled from screenshotted replies featuring phrases like 'Go back to Venezuela!' and 'My taxes pay for your avocado toast!', suggest that Gordillo's crusade is proceeding precisely as one might expect. Sources close to the movement, however, insist that every vitriolic comment represents a 'teachable moment' or, failing that, 'excellent engagement metrics for our online footprint.' Experts, by which we mean anyone with an internet connection, note the particularly fertile ground of 'Hostile Territory,' often identified by its distinct aroma of misplaced grievance and caps-locked patriotism. Gordillo’s strategy, which involves calmly articulating policy positions to individuals whose primary political discourse appears to be meme-based, has been described by one anonymous aide as 'brave, if not entirely sound from a tactical perspective.' The campaign anticipates achieving a 0.0001% conversion rate, which, when extrapolated over the entire online ecosystem, could potentially lead to one confused golden retriever briefly questioning the tenets of late-stage capitalism.